You’re at a coffee shop.
Someone catches your eye.
You look at them.
They look at you.
You look away.
Three seconds later, you look again.
They’re looking again too.
At this point, approximately 47 romantic-comedy plotlines could begin.
Instead, both of you stare at your phones.
Nobody says anything.
Twenty minutes later, one of you leaves.
And somewhere in the universe, a potentially great first date dies because two adults were waiting for the other person to do something.
Which brings us to one of dating’s oldest questions:
Who should make the first move: guys or girls?
For generations, the default answer was obvious:
The guy.
He approaches.
He asks for the number.
He plans the date.
He texts first.
He initiates the kiss.
She decides whether she’s interested.
Except dating doesn’t fit that script nearly as neatly anymore.
Women initiate.
Men sometimes want clearer signals before approaching.
Dating apps have changed how strangers meet.
Safety concerns affect how people interpret approaches.
Fear of rejection affects both men and women.
And even Bumble—the dating app famous for building its identity around women initiating heterosexual conversations—has evolved its approach through features that give women more choice over how a conversation begins.
So in 2026, the better answer is surprisingly simple:
The person who is interested can make the first move.
But that’s only half the story.
Because men and women don’t necessarily experience making that move in exactly the same way.
And understanding those differences can make modern dating much easier.
So, Who Should Make the First Move?
If two adults are interested in each other, either person can initiate.
A woman asking a man out doesn’t make her desperate.
A man approaching a woman doesn’t automatically make him creepy.
A man waiting for a clearer signal doesn’t automatically mean he’s weak.
And a woman wanting a man to initiate doesn’t automatically mean she’s playing games.
People have preferences.
The problem begins when preferences become rigid rules.
For example:
“If he liked me, he would definitely approach.”
Maybe.
Or maybe he’s shy.
Or unsure whether you’re interested.
Or worried about bothering you.
Or convinced you’re already dating someone.
Now reverse it:
“If she liked me, she’d make the first move.”
Maybe.
Or maybe she was raised believing men should initiate.
Or she’s afraid you’ll interpret her interest incorrectly.
Or she’s giving you signals she thinks are extremely obvious while you somehow believe she’s simply passionate about making eye contact.
Humans are spectacularly bad at romantic telepathy.
That’s why modern dating works better when somebody eventually communicates.
Why Have Guys Traditionally Been Expected to Make the First Move?
Because dating didn’t develop in a cultural vacuum.
For a long time, heterosexual courtship followed a fairly recognizable gender script:
Men pursued.
Women responded.
Men asked for dates.
Women accepted or declined.
Men proposed.
Women answered.
Even as gender roles have changed, pieces of that script remain.
Research on relationship initiation has repeatedly found evidence of these traditional patterns.
For example, qualitative research on heterosexual couples found that men were more likely to receive credit for initiating romantic relationships and tended to use more direct approaches.
Older research on dating initiation similarly found men more active in initiating dates.
But there’s an important detail people often miss.
Women weren’t simply sitting motionless waiting for romance to happen.
In one study of college students, between half and three-quarters of women reported having initiated dates with men.
So even when the cultural script said:
“Men initiate,”
actual dating behavior was already more complicated.
Do Women Actually Want Men to Make the First Move?
Some absolutely do.
Others don’t care.
Others enjoy initiating themselves.
This is where dating advice becomes ridiculous when it treats approximately four billion women as one person.
You’ll hear:
“Women want men to chase.”
Then:
“Women hate being approached.”
Then:
“Women want confident men.”
Then:
“Never approach a woman.”
Apparently the modern man is expected to solve a logic puzzle before saying hello.
Reality is more nuanced.
Many women enjoy being approached by someone they’re already interested in.
That’s very different from enjoying every approach from every stranger in every situation.
Context matters.
How you approach matters.
Whether interest appears reciprocal matters.
Whether she can comfortably leave matters.
Whether you respect a no matters.
A friendly introduction at a social event after repeated mutual eye contact is not psychologically identical to blocking someone’s path in an empty parking garage.
“Approaching women” isn’t one behavior.
There are respectful approaches.
Awkward approaches.
Welcome approaches.
Unwanted approaches.
And frightening approaches.
The goal isn’t to guarantee attraction.
You can’t.
The goal is to make expressing interest easy to accept or decline.
Why Some Men Are More Hesitant to Approach Now
Modern men are often given two messages simultaneously.
Message one:
Be confident. Take initiative. Women like men who make a move.
Message two:
Don’t bother women. Don’t misread friendliness. Don’t make anyone uncomfortable.
Those ideas aren’t actually contradictory.
But when you’re nervous and standing six feet away from someone attractive, they can feel contradictory.
Research has found that many men describe approaching potential dates as difficult.
Fear of rejection is real.
So is uncertainty.
Imagine seeing someone attractive at a bookstore.
You think:
Should I say something?
Then:
What if she’s busy?
What if she has a boyfriend?
What if she thinks I’m weird?
What if she’s just being polite?
What if she tells her friends about the strange guy near the biographies section?
Congratulations.
You have now completed a full psychological risk assessment without saying hello.
Men don’t need to become fearless.
They need a better definition of a successful approach.
Success isn’t:
“She gave me her number.”
Success can simply be:
“I expressed interest respectfully and handled the answer like an adult.”
That changes everything.
Women Have a Different Calculation
A woman considering making the first move can experience rejection anxiety too.
But women may also evaluate romantic interactions through an additional safety lens.
Research on unwanted romantic and sexual advances has found gender differences in these experiences.
In a study involving 465 participants, women reported experiencing unwanted advances earlier in life and expressed greater concern about possible repercussions when rejecting advances, including fears of anger or aggression.
That doesn’t mean women walk around terrified of every man who says hello.
It means discussions about approaching cannot ignore context and safety.
A woman receiving an approach may sometimes be processing two questions:
“Am I interested?”
and:
“Will this person handle it well if I’m not?”
Men who understand that become better at approaching.
Not because they need to act nervous or apologetic.
Because they understand that confidence and respect can exist together.
What Makes a Good First Move From a Guy?
Forget pickup lines.
You don’t need:
“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Heaven has suffered enough.
A good approach is usually simpler.
Imagine you’re at a friend’s rooftop party.
You’ve exchanged eye contact a few times.
You walk over and say:
“Hey, I’m Daniel. How do you know Chris?”
That’s it.
You’re not auditioning for a dating coach.
You’re starting a conversation.
Then watch what happens.
Does she:
turn toward you?
ask questions back?
maintain conversation?
smile naturally?
continue engaging when she could easily leave?
Those behaviors don’t guarantee romantic attraction.
But they can indicate conversational engagement.
If the interaction feels mutual, continue.
If you’re doing 97% of the work?
You have information.
What Makes a Bad First Move?
Pressure.
That’s the easiest answer.
You say hello.
They’re polite but distant.
You keep going.
They give short answers.
You keep going.
They turn back toward their friends.
You keep going.
At that point, you’re no longer confidently approaching.
You’re refusing to read the room.
Another bad move?
Treating rejection like negotiation.
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Are you happy though?”
No.
“I’m not interested.”
“Just give me one chance.”
No.
“No thanks.”
“Why?”
Still no.
A respectful first move includes a respectful exit.
Sometimes:
“No worries, have a good night.”
is the most attractive thing you can say.
Should Girls Make the First Move?
Yes.
If you want to.
There is nothing inherently wrong with a woman:
starting the conversation,
asking for his number,
sending the first message,
suggesting coffee,
asking him out,
or saying:
“I think you’re cute.”
Actually, many men would probably appreciate the clarity.
One reason is simple:
men experience uncertainty too.
He may genuinely have no idea you’re interested.
And before you say:
“But I’ve been giving him signals!”
we need to discuss what women sometimes consider a signal.
You:
looked at him for 1.4 seconds.
Then stood approximately somewhere near him.
Then liked an Instagram Story three days later.
Your friends:
“Girl, you could not have made it more obvious.”
Meanwhile, he is at home thinking:
“She probably doesn’t know I exist.”
Sometimes subtle flirting works.
Sometimes subtle flirting is so subtle that it becomes indistinguishable from normal human behavior.
Do Men Like When Women Approach Them?
Many do.
And older experimental research offers an interesting clue.
One study examining men’s responses to women’s dating initiation found that how much the man already liked the woman mattered far more than whether she asked directly, hinted or waited for him to initiate.
In other words:
If he liked her, initiating wasn’t necessarily the problem.
If he didn’t like her, waiting for him to make the move didn’t magically create attraction.
That study is old and involved undergraduate men, so it shouldn’t be treated as a universal law for men in 2026.
But the broader point remains useful:
Playing passive doesn’t manufacture compatibility.
If someone is interested, your initiative may make things easier.
If they’re not interested, waiting three weeks probably won’t transform them into your soulmate.
Why Women Sometimes Don’t Want to Make the First Move
Even women who believe:
“Women can absolutely ask men out”
may personally prefer not to.
Why?
Sometimes it’s tradition.
Sometimes attraction.
Some women enjoy being pursued.
Some interpret initiation as evidence of confidence.
Others want reassurance that the man is genuinely interested before emotionally investing.
And some worry:
“If I initiate everything, will I always have to carry the relationship?”
That’s actually a reasonable concern.
But there’s a difference between:
making the first move
and:
making every move.
You can initiate the first conversation.
He can plan the first date.
You can text afterward.
He can suggest the second date.
Healthy dating doesn’t require one person to become the relationship’s unpaid project manager.
Look for reciprocity.
The First Move Matters Less Than the Second Move
This may be the most useful rule in the entire article.
Who initiates?
Interesting.
What happens after initiation?
Much more important.
Suppose a woman asks a man out.
He enthusiastically says yes.
Plans the next date.
Texts afterward.
Shows consistent interest.
Great.
Now suppose she asks him out.
Then she:
texts first,
plans every date,
keeps every conversation alive,
asks when they’re seeing each other again,
and constantly wonders whether he’s interested.
That’s different.
Or suppose a man approaches a woman.
She responds enthusiastically.
Asks him questions.
Suggests exchanging numbers.
Texts him later.
Great.
But if he spends three months chasing someone who provides almost no reciprocal effort?
The fact that “men are supposed to pursue” isn’t helping him.
The better question isn’t:
“Who made the first move?”
It’s:
“Once someone made the move, did the other person move toward them too?”
That’s reciprocity.
And reciprocity is far more useful than gender rules.
Why Bumble’s Evolution Is So Interesting
For years, Bumble became culturally recognizable for a simple rule in heterosexual matches:
Women initiated the conversation.
That made the app part of a much larger conversation about gender and dating.
But dating behavior evolves.
Bumble introduced Opening Moves, allowing women to set a prompt that matches can respond to rather than requiring them to personally invent every opening message.
Bumble itself explains that the feature came partly from feedback that the obligation to make the first move could feel like another task.
Women can still message first.
Or they can set an Opening Move and allow their match to respond.
That might sound like a small product feature.
Culturally, it’s interesting.
Because it reflects something broader about modern dating:
People want agency without unnecessary pressure.
Women don’t necessarily need a rule forcing them to initiate to have agency.
Men don’t necessarily need a rule assigning them all responsibility for initiation to demonstrate confidence.
Choice may be more useful than rigid roles.
Guys vs. Girls: Who Is More Afraid of Rejection?
Both can be.
But rejection may feel different depending on your experience.
Men who are expected to initiate more frequently may encounter more direct romantic rejection.
That can create:
approach anxiety,
self-consciousness,
hesitation,
or rejection fatigue.
Women can experience rejection too, obviously.
But women may also carry greater concern about managing unwanted advances and the consequences of rejecting someone.
These are different pressures.
One side may think:
“What if they reject me?”
The other may sometimes think:
“What happens if I reject them?”
Neither experience needs to be turned into a competition.
Understanding both makes dating better.
What About Dating Apps?
Dating apps supposedly eliminated the first-move problem.
They did not.
They simply moved it onto a screen.
You match.
Now both stare at the match.
Nobody speaks.
Twenty-four hours later:
Gone.
Beautiful.
Digital romance.
Online dating also creates very different experiences for men and women.
Pew Research Center found that among recent online daters, 64% of men said they had at least sometimes felt insecure because of the number of messages they received, compared with 40% of women.
Meanwhile, 54% of women said they had at least sometimes felt overwhelmed by the number of messages they received, compared with 25% of men.
That illustrates why men and women can look at the same dating app and describe completely different realities.
One person thinks:
“Why does nobody respond?”
Another thinks:
“How am I supposed to respond to all of this?”
Different problems.
Same app.
Who Should Text First After a Date?
Whoever wants to.
Seriously.
If you had a great time, you can say:
“I had fun tonight. I’d love to do it again.”
You don’t need to wait:
three hours,
24 hours,
two business days,
or until Mercury enters some particular emotional position.
If you’re interested, communicating interest is generally useful.
What matters is what happens next.
If you always text first and receive lukewarm replies?
Notice that.
If they initiate sometimes too?
Good.
Again:
reciprocity.
Should a Girl Wait for a Guy to Text First?
Not as a rule.
If you want to text him, text him.
Waiting solely because:
“Men should chase”
can create unnecessary confusion.
But if you’ve initiated the last six conversations?
Don’t send conversation number seven simply because silence makes you anxious.
Give the other person room to demonstrate interest.
There’s a difference between:
expressing interest
and:
carrying the entire connection.
Should a Guy Always Plan the First Date?
No.
But initiative is attractive to many people.
If you ask someone out, offering an actual plan is usually better than:
“We should hang sometime.”
Okay.
When?
Where?
In which calendar year?
Try:
“Want to grab coffee Saturday afternoon?”
Clear.
Simple.
Easy to answer.
Women can do exactly the same thing.
A first move doesn’t need to be dramatic.
It needs to give the other person something they can respond to.
What If You’re Shy?
You don’t need to become a different personality.
Making a first move doesn’t require swagger.
You can be nervous.
You can stumble slightly.
You can even acknowledge it.
“I don’t usually do this, but I wanted to come say hi.”
That can be perfectly charming when genuine.
Confidence doesn’t mean:
“I know you’ll like me.”
Confidence means:
“I’ll be okay whether you do or not.”
That’s much healthier.
How Can Women Signal That They Want a Guy to Approach?
If you prefer him to initiate, make initiation easier.
Not guaranteed.
Easier.
Try:
repeated comfortable eye contact,
a genuine smile,
positioning yourself somewhere conversation is possible,
starting a tiny contextual interaction,
or asking a simple question.
For example:
You’re both waiting at the same food truck.
“Have you tried this place before?”
Congratulations.
Technically, you may have just made the first move without making it feel like:
THE FIRST MOVE.
Human attraction often develops through small openings.
You don’t need a grand declaration.
How Can Men Know When Not to Approach?
There is no flawless formula.
But context provides information.
Think twice when someone is:
wearing headphones and intensely working,
clearly distressed,
trying to leave,
giving consistently closed responses,
avoiding eye contact after you’ve attempted engagement,
or in a situation where they may feel trapped.
And if you approach and receive little engagement?
Exit gracefully.
The goal is not:
“How do I guarantee she wants me to approach?”
Impossible.
The goal is:
“Can I express interest in a way that makes declining easy and safe?”
That’s a much better standard.
What If You Make the First Move and Get Rejected?
Then you survive.
Probably.
Rejection hurts because approaching someone exposes something:
I like you.
And the other person gets to respond.
Sometimes:
I like you too.
Sometimes:
I don’t.
That can sting.
But rejection isn’t always a judgment of your value.
Attraction depends on:
timing,
preferences,
availability,
orientation,
compatibility,
relationship status,
mood,
life circumstances,
and approximately a thousand things you cannot control.
You can be attractive and get rejected.
Funny and get rejected.
Successful and get rejected.
Kind and get rejected.
Being desirable doesn’t mean being universally desired.
Nobody is.
Stop Treating Dating Like a Power Game
A lot of online dating advice sounds less like relationships and more like military strategy.
Don’t text first.
Wait exactly four hours.
Make them chase.
Never show too much interest.
Pull away.
Create mystery.
Make them jealous.
Whoever cares less wins.
Wins what?
A relationship where both people are pretending not to like each other?
Interest is not weakness.
Initiative is not desperation.
The important thing is whether interest is reciprocated.
You can say:
“I like you.”
and still have standards.
You can ask someone out and still walk away if they aren’t interested.
You can be vulnerable without abandoning self-respect.
The Best Modern Dating Rule: Open the Door, Then Watch What They Do
This works for guys.
It works for girls.
Make a move.
Not ten moves.
One.
Start the conversation.
Send the message.
Ask for the number.
Suggest the coffee.
Then watch.
Do they engage?
Do they ask questions?
Do they respond with enthusiasm?
Do they initiate later?
Do they make space for you?
Do they help move the connection forward?
If yes:
great.
If not:
you don’t need increasingly elaborate strategies.
You have information.
Attraction should eventually become a two-person activity.
So, Who Should Make the First Move: Guys or Girls?
Either.
The old expectation that men must always initiate hasn’t disappeared completely.
Plenty of men and women still enjoy that dynamic.
And there’s nothing wrong with it when both people genuinely prefer it.
But it shouldn’t become a rule that prevents two interested people from meeting.
Guys:
You can approach.
Be clear.
Be respectful.
Pay attention to reciprocity.
And handle rejection gracefully.
Girls:
You can initiate too.
Starting a conversation doesn’t reduce your value.
Asking someone out doesn’t make you desperate.
And you don’t need to pretend you aren’t interested to be attractive.
For both:
Make one move and look for movement back.
That’s the part that matters.
Because the best beginning isn’t:
“The man chased until the woman finally agreed.”
And it isn’t:
“The woman did all the work because modern dating says she should.”
It’s:
One person opened the door.
The other walked toward them.
That’s what dating should start to feel like.
Not a gender competition.
Not a power game.
Not a test of who can care less.
Two people making it increasingly obvious:
“Yes. I’m interested too.”
Sources & Research
- Bumble — Opening Moves. Bumble’s current Opening Moves feature allows women in applicable matches either to message first or establish an opening prompt that a match can answer. Bumble says the feature was developed partly in response to feedback that the obligation to initiate every conversation could create additional pressure. This product change is useful evidence of evolving dating-app design and gender expectations, but it should not be interpreted as evidence that all women prefer one initiation style.
- Pew Research Center (2023), From Looking for Love to Swiping the Field: Online Dating in the U.S. Pew surveyed 6,034 U.S. adults in 2022. Among current or recent online daters, men were substantially more likely than women to report sometimes feeling insecure because of receiving too few messages, while women were substantially more likely to report sometimes feeling overwhelmed by the volume of messages. These findings illustrate different average online-dating experiences; they do not describe every man or woman.
- Pew Research Center (2020), A Profile of Single Americans / Personal Experiences and Attitudes of Daters. Pew’s U.S. research found that men and women reported somewhat different challenges in dating. Many men described difficulty approaching people, while women more frequently described challenges finding partners seeking the same kind of relationship or meeting their expectations. The survey also found women were more likely than men to say dating had become harder.
- Moran, J., & Burch, R. (2023), Repercussions of Rejecting Unwanted Advances: Gender Differences in Experience and Concern. This study of 465 participants examined experiences with unwanted romantic and sexual advances and concerns about rejecting them. Women reported earlier experiences with unwanted advances and greater worry about possible repercussions of rejection. The findings help explain why safety can form part of some women’s evaluation of romantic approaches, but they should not be generalized to every individual or interaction.
- McClure, M. J., Lydon, J. E., Baccus, J. R., & Baldwin, M. W. (2010), A Signal Detection Analysis of Chronic Attachment Anxiety at Speed Dating. This speed-dating research examined romantic approach behavior and describes relationship initiation as involving a tension between wanting affiliation and fearing rejection. It supports treating rejection anxiety as a meaningful part of initiation rather than assuming reluctance always means lack of interest.
- Rose, S., & Frieze, I. H., and related courtship-initiation research. Earlier relationship research documented traditional heterosexual courtship scripts in which men more frequently used direct initiation while women often used less-direct signals. These studies are historically useful for understanding where contemporary expectations came from, but older student samples should not be treated as direct measurements of U.S. dating behavior in 2026.
- Dating Initiation and Anxiety Research (1991). Research involving 248 college students found men in the non-exclusive group were more active in initiating dates, while between half and three-quarters of women reported having initiated dates with men. Both sexes reported substantial anxiety around initiating. Because this is older college-based research, it is best interpreted as evidence that initiation anxiety and female initiation are not new phenomena—not as a current national estimate.
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