You like them.
Actually, you really like them.
The first few dates are easy. You look forward to their messages. You catch yourself smiling when their name appears on your phone. You tell your friends that, for once, you might have met someone without an obvious problem to analyze.
Then something happens.
Maybe they run awkwardly across the street.
Maybe they use a baby voice with their dog.
Maybe they tell a joke that lands so badly you want to disappear under the table.
Maybe they chew in a way you’ve somehow never noticed before.
Nothing terrible happened.
They weren’t cruel. They didn’t lie. They didn’t disrespect you.
Yet attraction suddenly feels different.
Yesterday you wanted them closer.
Today, your brain seems to be saying:
No. Absolutely not.
So, why do we get the ick?
“The ick” sounds like internet slang, but psychologists have now started studying the experience itself. A 2025 study published in Personality and Individual Differences described the ick as a sudden, visceral aversion toward a romantic interest, often triggered by behaviors or characteristics perceived as signs of incompatibility or low mate quality.
The researchers surveyed 125 single adults and found that greater disgust sensitivity and perfectionism were associated with experiencing the ick. Narcissism was also associated with the likelihood of experiencing it. Women in the study were more likely than men to say they had experienced the ick, although the researchers did not find a gender difference in its frequency.
That doesn’t mean every sudden loss of attraction can be explained by one psychological formula.
Sometimes the ick may reveal genuine incompatibility.
Sometimes it’s simply attraction changing.
And sometimes it may reveal as much about our expectations, standards, sensitivities, and dating habits as it does about the person standing in front of us.
Before you delete someone’s number because they chased a ping-pong ball in an unattractive way, it’s worth understanding what may actually be happening.
Here are seven psychological reasons we get the ick.
1. The Ick Often Begins With Disgust
The name itself tells us something.
People rarely describe the experience like this:
“After careful consideration, I have concluded that my romantic attraction has decreased.”
They say:
“I got the ick.”
It’s immediate.
Physical.
Almost reflexive.
That’s why disgust matters.
The 2025 study on the ick found that people with greater disgust sensitivity were more susceptible to the experience.
Disgust has obvious protective functions. Rotten food smells disgusting for a reason. Certain bodily fluids, contamination cues, and signs of disease can trigger reactions that encourage us to move away from possible threats.
But human disgust extends beyond food and illness.
We can feel disgust toward behaviors, smells, habits, social violations, bodily cues, and characteristics that clash with our expectations.
Dating gives this system plenty to evaluate.
Imagine being deeply attracted to someone and then watching them repeatedly pick food from their teeth at dinner.
Your brain doesn’t necessarily begin a thoughtful assessment of long-term compatibility.
It may simply produce:
Nope.
The reaction is genuine.
But a genuine emotional reaction isn’t automatically an accurate prediction of whether someone would make a good partner.
That’s an important distinction.
2. Attraction Can Change When Fantasy Meets Reality
Early dating contains enormous amounts of missing information.
You’ve been on three dates.
You know they’re funny.
You know they’re attractive.
You know they like hiking and Thai food.
You know they have a good job and apparently love their mother.
But you still don’t know hundreds of things.
How do they behave when embarrassed?
How do they handle stress?
What are they like first thing in the morning?
How do they dance?
How do they act when they’re sick?
What strange hobbies do they have?
What happens when they’re nervous?
What do they look like after assembling IKEA furniture for three hours?
Until you know, your imagination has room to work.
Early attraction often contains a mixture of what we know and what we assume.
Then reality gradually fills in the blanks.
And the real person may not perfectly match the version you unconsciously created.
Interestingly, idealization itself isn’t necessarily destructive. Research following newlywed couples found that people who initially idealized their partners more strongly experienced less decline in marital satisfaction over the following three years.
That doesn’t mean ignoring serious problems is healthy.
It suggests something more subtle: successful relationships don’t necessarily require viewing your partner with ruthless objectivity.
But early dating can create a different problem.
You may become attracted partly to an incomplete picture.
Then one unexpected behavior punctures it.
Suddenly:
“This incredibly cool person”
becomes:
“A normal human being who occasionally looks ridiculous.”
And sometimes that transition hits harder than expected.
3. Perfectionism Can Turn Tiny Flaws Into Major Turnoffs
Your date does something mildly awkward.
One person thinks:
“That’s kind of adorable.”
Another thinks:
“I don’t think I can ever look at them the same way again.”
Why?
One possible factor is perfectionism.
The 2025 study found that other-oriented perfectionism—essentially holding demanding standards for other people—was associated with both the likelihood and frequency of experiencing the ick.
That makes sense.
If your internal expectation is:
My partner should remain impressive to me at all times,
normal humanity becomes dangerous.
People eventually do embarrassing things.
They wear questionable outfits.
They get nervous.
They mispronounce words.
They tell jokes that fail.
They trip.
They get sick.
They dance badly.
They laugh strangely.
They make weird noises while sleeping.
They occasionally take terrible photographs.
So will you.
Long-term intimacy guarantees exposure to imperfection.
If attraction requires another person to maintain a flawless image, eventually almost everyone will fail.
So when you get the ick, ask something more useful than:
“Was that unattractive?”
Ask:
“Did I discover something genuinely incompatible with my values, or did I simply see this person being imperfect?”
Those are not the same problem.
4. Modern Dating Can Turn Us Into Constant Evaluators
Swipe.
No.
Swipe.
Maybe.
Swipe.
No.
Swipe.
Definitely not.
Dating apps didn’t invent selectivity.
Humans have always evaluated potential partners.
But apps created an environment where we can make an extraordinary number of rapid judgments.
A photograph.
A height.
A profession.
A prompt answer.
A hairstyle.
A hobby.
Next.
Then another person appears.
And another.
And another.
When alternatives seem endless, rejecting someone over a small imperfection can feel inexpensive.
Why tolerate an annoying habit when another profile is waiting?
The problem is that profiles aren’t people.
A profile can remain polished forever.
A human being cannot.
Once you actually know someone, they stop being:
“6’1, loves travel, works in finance, has a golden retriever.”
They become someone who leaves coffee mugs beside the sink, gets anxious before presentations, calls their grandmother every Sunday, hates mushrooms, occasionally says the wrong thing, and laughs far too loudly when something genuinely amuses them.
That’s what intimacy does.
It replaces the résumé with the person.
Having standards is healthy.
But dating becomes much harder when your mindset quietly shifts from:
“Could I build something good with this person?”
to:
“Can I find anything wrong with this person?”
Spend enough time with anyone and the answer to the second question will eventually be yes.
5. Sometimes the Ick Really Is Important Information
Not every ick should be dismissed.
Sometimes attraction changes because you’ve learned something meaningful.
Maybe you see how they speak to a waiter.
Maybe every conversation somehow comes back to them.
Maybe they constantly humiliate other people for laughs.
Maybe their hygiene genuinely bothers you.
Maybe they become controlling when you spend time with friends.
Maybe they repeatedly ignore your boundaries.
Maybe their beliefs about money, family, commitment, sex, or the future fundamentally conflict with yours.
That’s different from:
“He opened an umbrella in an unattractive way.”
One useful distinction is between a superficial turnoff and a genuine dealbreaker.
A Minor Ick Might Be:
They dance awkwardly.
They use emojis you dislike.
Their laugh suddenly sounds strange to you.
They wear shoes you would never choose.
They tell painfully corny jokes.
A Genuine Compatibility Problem Might Be:
They repeatedly disrespect your boundaries.
They lie regularly.
They treat other people badly.
They want children and you definitely don’t.
They become aggressive during disagreements.
They refuse to communicate about serious relationship problems.
Both categories can affect attraction.
But they deserve very different levels of attention.
The first may tell you something about taste.
The second may tell you something about whether the relationship is safe, respectful, or compatible.
Don’t ignore meaningful information just because the internet has turned every turnoff into a joke.
6. Sometimes the Ick Appears When Things Start Getting Real
The timing can be interesting.
You were attracted to them for weeks.
Then they started liking you back.
Suddenly you’re noticing everything.
Their texts feel annoying.
Their compliments make you uncomfortable.
The way they say your name irritates you.
You begin finding flaws that somehow weren’t important when you were unsure whether they liked you.
Why now?
Sometimes attraction feels easier when a relationship remains uncertain.
Uncertainty creates distance.
Distance leaves room for fantasy.
But when someone becomes emotionally available, something changes.
Now this might become real.
You may have to depend on someone.
They may eventually see your imperfections too.
You could become attached.
And once you’re attached, you could get hurt.
For someone who finds vulnerability uncomfortable, suddenly focusing on another person’s flaws can create emotional distance again.
This does not mean every ick is secretly an attachment issue.
Online dating advice often overdiagnoses ordinary behavior.
But the timing is still worth noticing.
Ask yourself:
Did this person suddenly become unattractive?
Or:
Did the relationship suddenly become more emotionally serious?
If you repeatedly become intensely attracted to unavailable people but start finding dozens of flaws once someone becomes consistent, affectionate, and interested in commitment, the larger pattern may be worth examining.
7. Other People’s Opinions Can Give Us New Icks
Your date wears something you don’t particularly like.
You barely notice.
Then your friend says:
“He wore THAT?”
Suddenly you notice.
Another friend laughs.
By tomorrow, the outfit has become evidence in a full criminal investigation of your attraction.
We don’t evaluate romantic partners in complete isolation.
Friends influence us.
Family influences us.
Culture influences us.
Social media certainly influences us.
And the internet has transformed icks into entertainment.
People share extremely specific turnoffs:
someone running awkwardly,
someone chasing a ball,
certain emojis,
particular outfits,
getting too excited about something,
posing strangely for photographs,
or doing almost anything while being observed from the least flattering angle possible.
Many of these are jokes.
But there’s a danger when you begin watching your own partner through an imaginary audience.
Instead of asking:
“Do I like this person?”
you start asking:
“Would everyone else think this person is cool enough?”
Would my friends approve?
Would TikTok laugh?
Do they look impressive enough beside me?
That’s no longer purely about compatibility.
It’s about optics.
And relationships ultimately have to work when nobody else is watching.
Why Does the Ick Feel So Sudden?
Because attraction isn’t a spreadsheet.
You don’t consciously calculate:
physical attraction + personality + compatibility − awkward behavior = desire.
Attraction involves emotional, cognitive, physical, and social processes interacting at once.
Sometimes one new piece of information changes how you interpret everything else.
Yesterday their confidence seemed attractive.
Today it seems performative.
Yesterday their enthusiasm felt adorable.
Today it feels childish.
The behavior may not even have changed.
Your interpretation has.
And once that interpretation shifts, something else can happen.
You start looking for confirmation.
Now their laugh annoys you.
Their clothes seem worse.
Their messages feel needier.
Things you previously ignored suddenly become impossible not to notice.
One ick starts recruiting other icks.
That’s why an immediate decision isn’t always necessary when the trigger is trivial.
If the behavior involves aggression, coercion, dishonesty, serious disrespect, or safety concerns, that’s different.
But if someone simply embarrassed themselves?
Give your brain a minute.
Can You Get Over the Ick?
Sometimes.
Not always.
And you should never force yourself to feel attraction that genuinely isn’t there.
Nobody is entitled to your romantic interest.
But if the relationship has otherwise been promising and the trigger was minor, you don’t necessarily need to treat your first reaction as permanent.
Instead, describe what actually happened.
Not:
“I got the ick.”
Try:
“I felt embarrassed when they did that.”
Then ask why.
Was the behavior disrespectful?
Was it unhygienic?
Did it reveal something about their character?
Did it conflict with an important value?
Or did they simply look uncool for fifteen seconds?
Would the same behavior bother you if nobody else had seen it?
Would you judge a close friend this harshly?
Has your attraction genuinely disappeared, or are you temporarily embarrassed?
Is this one isolated behavior or part of a pattern?
Those questions transform a vague reaction into something you can actually examine.
When Should You Listen to the Ick?
Take the feeling more seriously when it connects to something substantial.
For example:
“I felt repulsed watching him humiliate the waiter.”
That may tell you something about character.
“I lost attraction because she repeatedly ignored my boundaries.”
Important.
“I realized we have completely incompatible ideas about commitment.”
Important.
“He ran toward the bus strangely.”
Maybe don’t cancel the wedding that doesn’t exist yet.
Your emotions can provide information.
They don’t always provide instructions.
You can notice a feeling without immediately obeying it.
When Might the Ick Be More About You?
This is the uncomfortable question.
Sometimes the reaction may reveal your own expectations.
Maybe you need your partner to appear socially impressive because you’re worried about how other people evaluate you.
Maybe vulnerability makes you uncomfortable.
Maybe you expect romantic attraction to feel effortless forever.
Maybe constant access to dating profiles has made small imperfections feel more significant because alternatives always appear available.
Maybe you’ve created such a detailed picture of your ideal partner that real humans struggle to compete.
None of this means you should date someone you don’t want.
It simply means self-awareness is useful.
Research on romantic idealization makes this particularly interesting.
A longitudinal study of newlyweds found that people who initially idealized their partners more experienced less decline in marital satisfaction over three years.
That doesn’t mean pretending serious flaws don’t exist.
It does challenge the idea that healthy love requires constantly searching for an objective list of everything wrong with your partner.
Sometimes affection includes seeing imperfection without allowing every imperfection to redefine the entire person.
The Difference Between Standards and Perfectionism
You should have standards.
Good ones.
You may want a partner who is:
honest,
kind,
emotionally available,
reliable,
respectful,
compatible with your future,
capable of communicating,
and willing to respect your boundaries.
Those standards protect you.
Perfectionism sounds different.
They must always look attractive.
Never embarrass themselves.
Always know exactly what to say.
Text at precisely the right frequency.
Have perfect social skills.
Dress exactly right.
Share all your interests.
Never have an irritating habit.
Never disappoint you.
Never make you cringe.
That’s not a realistic standard.
That’s a casting call for a person who doesn’t exist.
The Ick vs. a Real Red Flag
This distinction deserves special attention.
A red flag usually points toward a potentially serious behavioral or compatibility concern.
Manipulation.
Controlling behavior.
Cruelty.
Dishonesty.
Repeated disrespect.
Boundary violations.
An ick can be much smaller.
A voice.
A mannerism.
A fashion choice.
A social habit.
An awkward moment.
The two can overlap because a behavior that initially feels like an ick may lead you to recognize something deeper.
But don’t automatically give them equal weight.
Someone wearing sandals you dislike is not equivalent to someone checking your phone without permission.
Dating becomes much clearer when you stop putting every uncomfortable feeling into the same category.
Don’t Let Social Media Choose Your Partner
The internet is extremely good at turning ordinary relationship experiences into dramatic labels.
One awkward moment becomes:
The ick.
One delayed message becomes:
Avoidant attachment.
One intense week becomes:
Love bombing.
One confusing relationship becomes:
A situationship.
Sometimes these concepts genuinely help people recognize patterns.
But psychology language becomes less useful when every normal human behavior needs a diagnosis.
Your relationship doesn’t need to impress an audience.
Your partner doesn’t need to pass an imaginary social-media attractiveness test.
And you don’t need thousands of strangers to approve of the person you’re dating.
If something bothers you, examine it.
But don’t outsource your attraction.
What If the Ick Doesn’t Go Away?
Sometimes you examine everything.
You give it time.
The person is kind.
Nothing terrible happened.
But the attraction still doesn’t return.
That happens.
You don’t need courtroom-level evidence to end a romantic relationship.
Attraction matters.
If you genuinely don’t want romantic or physical closeness anymore, pretending otherwise isn’t fair to either person.
Understanding the ick isn’t about forcing yourself to date everyone who seems good on paper.
It’s about recognizing the difference between:
“This person isn’t right for me.”
and:
“This person stopped looking perfect for a moment.”
That difference matters.
Especially if the second situation keeps happening with otherwise promising partners.
Before Ending Things Over an Ick, Ask Yourself These Questions
You don’t need a 47-point relationship checklist.
Try these instead:
What exactly caused the reaction?
Does it reveal anything meaningful about their character?
Is it connected to one of my genuine values or boundaries?
Would this matter if nobody else knew about it?
Was I attracted to this person before the incident?
Did the ick appear immediately after the relationship became more serious?
Am I noticing one real incompatibility or searching for reasons to reject them?
Would I want someone to judge me this harshly for an equally harmless awkward moment?
You may still decide you’re no longer interested.
That’s okay.
But at least you’re making the decision with more information than:
“My brain said ew.”
So, Why Do We Get the Ick?
Sometimes because disgust gets activated.
Sometimes because the real person collides with the idealized version we imagined.
Sometimes because perfectionism makes small flaws feel enormous.
Sometimes because modern dating encourages constant evaluation.
Sometimes because other people’s opinions affect our attraction.
Sometimes because emotional closeness makes us uncomfortable.
And sometimes because we’ve genuinely discovered something important about compatibility.
The strongest direct research on the ick is still new.
The 2025 Personality and Individual Differences study involved only 125 single adults, so its findings shouldn’t be turned into universal rules about dating. The researchers themselves frame the ick as something that may sometimes help people detect incompatibility while also potentially contributing to overly rigid rejection standards.
That nuance is probably the most useful part.
The next time one tiny behavior suddenly changes how you see someone, you don’t have to ignore the feeling.
But you also don’t have to immediately treat it as wisdom.
Get curious first.
Ask:
Did I discover something important about this person?
Or:
Did I just discover that this person is human?
Because anyone you know deeply enough will eventually do something embarrassing.
So will you.
Healthy relationships aren’t necessarily relationships where nobody ever gets annoyed, embarrassed, or briefly turned off.
Sometimes they’re relationships where two imperfect people become real enough to stop expecting perfection from each other.
Sources & Research
- Collisson, B., Saunders, E., & Yin, C. (2025). The ick: Disgust sensitivity, narcissism, and perfectionism in mate choice thresholds. Personality and Individual Differences, 238, 113086.
- Murray, S. L., Griffin, D. W., Derrick, J. L., Harris, B., Aloni, M., & Leder, S. (2011). Tempting fate or inviting happiness? Unrealistic idealization prevents the decline of marital satisfaction. Psychological Science, 22(5), 619–626.
- Georgetown University (2025). The Neuroscience of the Ick: This Is What Happens in the Brain When You’re Turned Off. Expert commentary from neuroendocrinologist Tom Sherman on disgust and romantic turnoffs.
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